Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I'm Digging a Pit

 (Note: This is a really long boring post. I figured I needed to be honest with myself, and please no pity. :) ) 

I think my journal is starting to dislike me. Not that I usually vent out to its pages, but lately venting is all that I can really do. It isn't harsh or harmful teenage venting that one usually sees in society, nor is it any kind of heart-breaking drama. (I'm counting my blessings here.)  Instead, it is me trying to get a grasp on accepting myself for coming in short of expectations. For example:
  •  My room is in constant need of being clean. No matter how often I clean or re-organize it always ends up looking like I've been robbed. 
  • I have been unable to meet commitments because I'm meeting other commitments. I've had to work the past 2 times when I've supposed to volunteer at the SMOFA, I feel like a flake.
  • I need to get started on my online class, P.E. packets, and summer homework. Except I've been gone most of June and haven't had the time to start...
  • I haven't touched my viola in a month. I'm doomed.
  • My AP scores and just grades in general
  • I haven't accomplished most of my summer to-do list- which is depressing since most of those things that I want to do are fun and relaxing and are what I wanted to get done this summer.
  • Keeping in touch with friends- sorry everyone about that.
  • Not being able to say what I want to say
  • Getting photos of my recent festivities to my Grandma Herdman (I'm working on it!)
  • I've only read 4 books this summer. PATHETIC. I work 9 hours a week which isn't a whole lot and I usually just waste it away on pinterest. I need to read more. Much more.
  • Filling up my poetry and quotes zine- I'm not even close.
  • I didn't even try to start a garden...
  • Feeling slightly pitiful and sorry for myself, which I am happy to say doesn't last more than an hour. :) 
  • I've also been staying up WAY too late for no particular reasons and then I frantically scramble each morning to travel to my volunteering and internship...   
  • Being late to a babysitting job BECAUSE I was writing this pathetic post. Yep. 10 minutes late.
  • Leaving a pot of boiling water on the stove to evaporate and then have an angry mother call to tell you about it.
  • Missing my long hair....
 I should also add to that list that I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, and trying to be optimistic about my AP scores and schedule for next year. For a more positive note I am finally caught up on paying tithing! I feel like such a champ. In psychology we learned that when we plan for future events like summer for instance, we think we'll have more free time so we plan to do things in that free time. Once we actually get to summer we find that we are just as busy in the school year because we planned to do too many things. Some days I wish my pre-frontal cortex was developed and I could reason with my time better. My English teacher, Mrs. Van Orden, said earlier this year that when she was my age she kept thinking about how much free time she would have as an adult. Once she got there she was disappointed that she was more busy than when she was in High School. In a sense I am looking forward to being busy like I am now, in the future. At least I won't be bored. If you've read this far I congratulate you, and if you're still reading this a month after I post this, remind me to delete it- unless I decide to dig a pit and stick myself in it. 

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